Enter the Page-A-Day Animal Crack-ups Joke Contest!

67 Comments

Walter Beck • Nov 14, 2009 @5:14 am

Customer to waiter at takeaway: Give me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy.
candice krummel • Nov 14, 2009 @6:26 am

What is the heaviest thing in the world?
Poop, even an elephant can’t hold it!
Donald Hallock • Nov 14, 2009 @7:26 am

I took my family to the zoo in Washington, D.C. At teh great ape exhibit my son was standing next to the glass to look at the gorilla sitting on a tree branch. He turned to look at us. The gorilla jumped and landed without a sound directly where our son was standing. Our son turned and jumped because he was instantly nose to nose with the gorilla. The crowd laughed. We also felt that the gorilla had “got another one.”
Faith Busiek • Nov 14, 2009 @8:11 am

A man looks up at his horse and says, Why the long face?
B.J. Lechman • Nov 14, 2009 @10:54 am

Did you hear about the humble lion? He left his pride in the jungle ?
anonymus • Nov 14, 2009 @1:33 pm

what do you get when you add a bird, a car, and a dog?

A flyingcarpet
Donald Hallock • Nov 15, 2009 @3:26 am

In order to create a better fish a scientist crossed a coho with a walleye. Then crossed that with a muskie. The result was a cowalski. Then he had to teach it how to swim.
Lou Franzini • Nov 15, 2009 @10:45 am

Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the dance?

It was just a moth ball!

Lou Franzini
loufranzini@lslink.com
Sue Hengelsberg • Nov 15, 2009 @4:16 pm

What’s King Kong’s favorite sandwich?

Gorilla cheese.
Betsy Barr • Nov 16, 2009 @8:48 am

What do Prince Charles, a baby monkey, and an orphan have in common?

One is the heir-apparent, one has a hairy parent, and one has nary a parent.
Sarah Pace • Nov 16, 2009 @9:19 am

What did the pig say on a hot, sunny day?
I’m bacon!
Sewicked • Nov 16, 2009 @10:13 am

What is the difference between swine flu & bird flu? One requires oinkment & the other needs tweetment.
Sean Leonard • Nov 16, 2009 @10:29 am

What did the fanatic chef say when he refused to serve a bowl of mushroom barley to a sheep?

“No Soup for Ewe!”
Melinda L. Wentzel aka Planet Mom • Nov 16, 2009 @10:39 am

How do you get a dog to smile?

Tell him the one about the poodle, the dachshund and the Great Dane who went into a bar.

Incidentally, I have a hilarious digital photo of my twin daughters (age making our bichon frise dog “smile” and I’d be happy to send it for consideration.
CARP; • Nov 16, 2009 @11:38 am

Mary had a little lamb, she also had a bear – - I often saw the little lamb, but I never say her bare!!
Tiger Cat • Nov 16, 2009 @1:52 pm

What is the difference between a businessman and a warm dog? The businessman wears a suit. The dog – just pants.
Shawn Griffith • Nov 16, 2009 @4:00 pm

Why won’t sharks eat a lawyer?

Professional courtesy.
Ron Macaulay • Nov 17, 2009 @8:37 am

did you hear about the camel who attended the tea party?
The hostess asked, one hump or two?
Amy Payne • Nov 17, 2009 @9:01 am

what do you call a cow that is outside during an earthquake? Milkshake!
Rob Beairsto • Nov 18, 2009 @7:05 am

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a tiger?

I don’t know, what?

I don’t know either, but when it talks, I listen!
Carol Wolf • Nov 18, 2009 @10:22 am

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the possum that it could be done!
johnny rodgers • Nov 19, 2009 @1:41 pm

What is the difference between he bird flu and the swine flu?
With the bird flu, you use tweetment and with the swine flu, you use oinkment!
Arnie Schwartz • Nov 21, 2009 @7:29 am

What does a lion in the desert have to do with Christmas? He has sandy claws.
What is black and white and red all over? A sunburned zebra.
David Webb • Nov 21, 2009 @8:01 am

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
Tina Hamelin • Nov 21, 2009 @9:13 am

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow who?

Mooooo! (said loudly before other person can finish saying interrupting cow who)
Tamara Marbes • Nov 21, 2009 @10:41 am

Why does a baby bunny walk softly?
Because it can’t walk hardly.
Tamara Marbes • Nov 21, 2009 @10:43 am

What did King Kong say to Faye Wray at the top of the Empire State Building?
You’re the gorrilla my dreams!
Theresa Whetstine • Nov 21, 2009 @11:55 am

What part of the house do dogs talk about most?

Roof.
Liz Anders • Nov 21, 2009 @7:48 pm

Three turtles were going on a picnic, and after a ten day trip they finally reached the outlook they wanted to eat at, but realized they had forgotten the bottle opener. The two older turtles tell the younger one to go back and fetch it, but he cries “No! You’ll eat the sandwiches!” The older turtles promised they wouldn’t dare touch them, and the young turtle headed off for the bottle opener. Ten days passed, then 20, and finally, when 30 days passed the two older turtles just couldn’t take it anymore, they were dying of hunger. They took a bite out of one of the sandwiches when the younger turtle jumps out from behind a rock and says “See? That’s why I’m not going!”
Richard Fairfield • Nov 21, 2009 @9:50 pm

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed an abalony with a crocodile? He wanted to create an abadile! All he ended up with as a crock of baloney.
Jenny Sichel • Nov 24, 2009 @6:37 am

What did the dolphin say to his mother after she scolded him for coming in late?

But Ma, I didn’t do it on porpoise!
Doris Foley • Nov 24, 2009 @7:37 am

What do you get when you run over a bird with a lawnmower? Shredded tweet!
Joseph Milano • Nov 24, 2009 @11:37 am

Did you hear about the cow who ate some marijuana?
Made a great pot roast.
Joseph Milano • Nov 24, 2009 @11:39 am

Did you hear about the guy who was dating a race horse?
He just wanted a stable relationship.
Joseph Milano • Nov 24, 2009 @11:46 am

What’s the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two wings?
It’s a matter of a pinion.
Joseph Milano • Nov 24, 2009 @11:48 am

Heard that a leopard escaped from the zoo.
He was spotted nearby.
Aaron E. • Nov 26, 2009 @10:20 am

Why was the lettuce so embarrassed because he saw the salad dressing
Paige and Avery Finch • Nov 26, 2009 @11:38 am

Once upon a time, there lived a snake named Nate. Near Nate’s house there was an ancient mystical lever by the side of the road. According to the myth, if you pushed the lever the world would end. One day, Nate was slithering down the road when he came upon the lever. At the same moment, a truck came barreling down the street, and the driver found himself in a dilemma: either hit the snake or end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over the poor animal and continued on his route. The moral of the story? Better Nate than lever!
David Webb • Nov 28, 2009 @7:56 am

Two Pandas walk into a bar. I cant believe one of them didnt see it!
Gerry Arb • Nov 29, 2009 @8:05 am

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

Dam.
Anghel Eduard • Nov 29, 2009 @8:08 am

A dog was running through the dessert. Suddenly, a fox stops and asks him: “Why are you running like this?” and the dog answers “Leave me alone. If I don’t find a tree quickly I’ll pee on me!”.
Dave Lay • Nov 29, 2009 @12:00 pm

Why did the cow cross the rood?
To go to the Mooooovies!
Lynn Corwin • Nov 30, 2009 @7:20 am

Where do dogs stay when they go on vacation?

At the Howliday Inn.
n faught • Nov 30, 2009 @12:21 pm

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Hot-cross bunnies.
Angela Medina • Nov 30, 2009 @6:43 pm

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I’ll tell ya tomorrow!
Sean Leonard • Dec 2, 2009 @3:04 pm

What star-searching TV show do eagles like best?

“America’s Got Talons”
Scotland Miles • Dec 2, 2009 @9:37 pm

Why did the pony whisper?

Because he was just a little hoarse (horse).
Leigh • Dec 4, 2009 @8:09 am

What is a rattlesnake’s favorite holiday?
FANGsgiving!
David Schwartz • Dec 4, 2009 @9:11 am

Why do mice have such small balls? Because not very many of them know how to dance.
Pam • Dec 5, 2009 @8:57 am

What kind of animal gets the most tickets?

A bear….. for nudity!
Kate • Dec 5, 2009 @10:44 am

What did the fish say when it hit the cement wall? … Dam
Katrina • Dec 6, 2009 @5:12 am

Cross-eyes Rotweiler
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy”
Jeanne • Dec 6, 2009 @8:51 am

Why are dogs the most religious animal?

Because DOG spelled backward is GOD!
David Wick • Dec 7, 2009 @8:00 am

A drunk walks into a bar and asls the bartener, “What’s the biggest penguin you ever saw?”
Since it was a slow night the bartender decides to humor him and replies “OH – About this big” as he holds up his hand over the bar.
“NO! NO!” the drunk says “The biggest penguin you ever saw, ever!”
The bartender thinks a minute then says, “OK – It was this big” as he holds he hand a little higher over the bar.
NO! NO!” screams the drunk. “I mean the biggest penguin ever, that you saw, read about heard about. The biggest ever!”
“OK. OK” the bartender says a little frustrated. “The biggest penguin I ever saw was this big” as he holds his hand a little higher over the bar.
“Are you sure?” asks the drunk.
“Yes. I’m positive thats the biggest penquin ever” says the impatient bartender.
“Dang!” yells the drunk slapping the bar. “I hit a Nun!’
David Howle • Dec 8, 2009 @9:41 am

How do you tuna fish?

You scale it.
Allan • Dec 8, 2009 @1:27 pm

What is the Mini Pygmy Monkeys favorite game?
Miniature golf!
Stephanie Holowka • Dec 9, 2009 @9:43 am

What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a german shepherd?

A watch dog for the 7th floor.
leslie • Dec 9, 2009 @12:08 pm

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.
Joel Timmons • Dec 10, 2009 @4:46 am

what do you call it when 2 monkeys get get Divorced

A Banana Split
aivatco • Dec 10, 2009 @9:30 am

why did the bird go to the doctors? to get a tweetment
Don Schmidt • Dec 11, 2009 @1:27 pm

A major wrist watch manufacturer planned on making a large number of watches using fish food. The project was known as “A Timex to every porpoise under Heaven”.
Linda • Dec 11, 2009 @2:07 pm

Why did the rooster cross the road?

It was chicken’s day off!
Tom • Dec 15, 2009 @10:44 am

Q: Did you hear the Energizer bunny was arrested?
A: He was charged with battery!
Bill Boyer Jr • Dec 22, 2009 @8:28 am

What happen to the Unicorn? They got on Noah’s Ark OK and enjoyed the trip. However they got off at the wrong stop. It was a few miles south of Ireland. With limited public transportation they had to stay in Africa. They were depressed, became fat. And are known as Rhinoceross.Not evolution, just misjudgement.
Ru • Jan 3, 2010 @8:10 am

Why don’t crabs and mussels share?

Because they’re shellfish.
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