(c) Bryan Regan

Special guest blog post from Steven Petrow, author of Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners

If you and your partner are planning to make a beeline to get married in City Hall now that New York has become the sixth state to allow same-sex marriage, you’ll likely find that your first thoughts after deciding to get hitched center on logistics, which is to say wedding etiquette. You’ll realize that you’re now entering unmapped territory for gays and lesbians, since many of the “rules” for same-sex weddings have yet to be determined.

Not surprisingly, there are gay couples who find that old-school wedding traditions serve them remarkably well in their ceremonies and celebrations: formal invitations, engagement parties, gift registries, and frothy white dresses alongside well-tailored black tuxedos. (“We’ll take two, please!)

For many in our community, a very strong spirit of invention is at play as we create new roles and rites, not only for ourselves, but for all those in attendance. The good news is that it’s up to you and your sweetheart—or  fiancé(e), if you prefer—to make these choices, which will no doubt become the foundation of LGBT wedding traditions to come.

With that in mind, here are just a few things we all need to know about same-sex weddings. (After all, if you’re straight, your invitation may soon be on its way.)

Q: Do gay people get engaged?

A: Yes; some of us even get down on bended knee, present a ring, and ask “Will you marry me?” That is, of course, after finding a gay-friendly jeweler who doesn’t keep asking about your opposite-sex fiancé.

Q: What do we call each other?

A: It’s easy for a married straight couple—husband, wife, and spouse cover all the options. Not so easy—or fast—for committed gay couples, who may use partner, spouse, significant other, lover, and (now) husband or wife. Use what feels right—just be sure to let others know how to refer to you.

Q: Where do we sign up?

A: Like every other couple of New York State, you must apply for a marriage license to any town or city clerk, pay your $40, and wait 24 hours. It’s that easy—finally.

Should bride and bride both wear white? And which one gets to walk down the aisle?! Who should pay, and how should we word the invitation?

Join Steven Petrow for a TweetChat Q&A Thursday, 6/30 at 2 p.m.!  He’ll be answering even more wedding questions and addressing everyday LGBT etiquette issues. To participate:

1. Join Twitter (if you haven’t already)
2. Follow @gaymanners and @WorkmanPub
3. Post your questions (140 characters or less) and include the hashtag, #gaymanners
4. If you like, use Tweet Chat, a site that simplifies by feeding you only tweets from this chat

See you there!

Q: Our 18-month-old son is the only child in his playgroup not walking on his own. Should we be concerned?

A: Most children are stepping out on their own by 18 months, but occasionally a toddler refuses to toddle until later. Sometimes fear (because of a previous nasty fall) keeps a toddler from letting go and taking off. Sometimes it’s proficiency as a crawler (he knows he can get around more quickly on hands and knees than feet).  Sometimes a gross-motor developmental timetable that’s on the slow side of normal is responsible. And sometimes walking is delayed by a problem that needs medical attention.

Your first step in finding out why your son hasn’t taken his first solo steps is to consult his doctor. You’ll probably get the reassurance you’re looking for. If a problem is discovered, the news is still good: Early physical therapy can help your toddler catch up. (From Chapter 3, “Your Toddler on the Go.”)

Previous posts:

The Transition from Crib to Bed

Aggressive Behavior

Resistance to Napping

Self-Feeding & Fullness

Q: We want to move our son to a bed. When’s the right time?

A: Consider what most experts say: It’s best to introduce a bed at about age 2½ or 3, or, as the AAP advises, to switch out of the crib when a tot is taller than 35 inches. If you’ve got an extra-tall 1-year-old on your hands, or if your little daredevil is climbing out of his crib night after night, it might be the right time for the switch. But if all’s quiet on the crib front, there’s no need to rush the relocation just yet.

Got a new baby on the way? That’s still not necessarily reason enough to push your tot out of his old digs. Before you do, think about what the crib means to him (it probably makes him feel secure and comfy) and how he might feel toward the new sib who bounced him out of his accustomed accommodations (resentful, to say the least). Instead of booting your toddler out of his crib, consider borrowing a second crib for the new arrival, or keeping the new baby in a bassinet or co-sleeper next to you for the first few months (which is recommended for safer sleep, anyway).

One more thing to keep in mind if you’re eager to transition from crib to bed:  Once you make that move, you’re giving an adventure-loving tot a ticket to nighttime freedom (it’s a lot easier to hop out of bed than it is to scale the crib walls)—and that opens up a whole house full of safety concerns.

Want to learn more about the second year? Heidi Murkoff will be answering your questions about toddlerhood and offering tips on how to make the most of months 12 to 23 live on Twitter TONIGHT, April 7, from 9 to 10 PM EST. Join the party!

Aggressive Behavior

Resistance to Napping

Self-Feeding & Fullness

Q: Yesterday I was mortified when my daughter swung at another child in her playgroup. She didn’t hurt him, but she really could have. Help!

A: At this age, hitting (and other kinds of aggressive behavior, such as biting or shoving) can’t be considered malicious or callous. Toddlers (especially young ones) aren’t capable of hurting on purpose—primarily because they haven’t quite figured out that other people have feelings.

While it’s too early to expect truly empathic behavior from your toddler (she’s more likely to experience cause-and-effect curiosity than empathy when her punch reduces her playmate to tears), it isn’t too early to start planting the seeds. When your child takes a swing at her playmate, say firmly, “Don’t hit! Hitting hurts—ouch!” When your child is the victim, comfort her and say, “Hitting hurts, that’s why we don’t hit.” But realize that your words will almost certainly need to be backed up by actions. Supervise playdates closely and stop aggressive behavior the moment it starts by removing the offender from the victim and quickly distracting both with a new activity.

Whatever you do, don’t respond to toddler aggression with adult aggression. Hitting a child teaches her that violence is an appropriate response under stress or in anger. So be sure to keep your temper in check when dealing with hers. (From Chapter 6, “Behavior”)

Want to learn more about the second year? Heidi Murkoff will be answering your questions about toddlerhood and offering tips on how to make the most of months 12 to 23 live on Twitter this Thursday, April 7th, from 9 to 10 PM EST. Join the party!

Resistance to Napping

Self-Feeding & Fullness

Q: Our son used to take a two-hour nap every afternoon. Recently, he’s refused to nap at all, no matter what I do. Is he ready to give up his nap?

A: A toddler often needs his nap a lot more than he thinks he does. The problem is convincing him of that. With so much to do, and so little time in a day to do it, taking an hour or two off for sleep isn’t high on his priority list.

Sometimes, a toddler gives up his nap prematurely because of a one-time event that knocked his schedule out of whack—an afternoon birthday party or a trip to the museum, a weekend at Grandma’s (where it’s too much fun to waste time sleeping).

Less often, he gives it up because he really doesn’t need it. If your close-to-24-month-old child sleeps well at night, seems rested in the morning, and is happy and generally good-tempered all day, he probably can drop his nap. If, however, he seems chronically cranky and overtired, easily frustrated and uncharacteristically clumsy at his customary naptime or in the evening, he probably doesn’t know what’s good for him. Ditto if he’s been sleeping less well at night since calling it quits on his nap.

Try some gentle persuasion to get him napping again, giving it a week of best efforts. If your toddler resolutely resists naptime, won’t even brake for some enforced quiet time (a better-than-nothing alternative), and continues to show signs of fatigue, shoot for an earlier bedtime. (From Chapter 5, Sleeping)

Want to learn more about the second year? Heidi Murkoff will be answering your questions about toddlerhood and offering tips on how to make the most of months 12 to 23 live on Twitter this Thursday, April 7th, from 9 to 10 PM EST. Join the party!

Previous What to Expect the Second Year Q & A post

To celebrate the launch of What to Expect the Second Year, we’ll be answering tough questions from parents of toddlers all week. Check back for a new Q&A each day!

Q: Now that my daughter is eating more finger foods, how do I know when she’s full?

A: Go with the appetite flow. Serve up a predictable schedule of three meals, supplemented by well-timed snacks, and let your toddler’s appetite dictate how much (or how little) is eaten at each. No pressure to eat more, no recriminations for eating less, no sweat over leftovers or mainly skipped meals. Remember, healthy kids eat as much as they need. Take a look at the big picture—your toddler’s diet over a week, for instance—and you’ll probably see that ups and downs in appetite balance out. (From Chapter 4, “Feeding”)

Want to learn more about the second year? Heidi Murkoff will be answering your questions about toddlerhood and offering tips on how to make the most of months 12 to 23 live on Twitter this Thursday, April 7th, from 9 to 10 PM EST. Join the party!

I love my husband very much. So when I ask him questions like, “Sweetie, are you heading out to that casting call for Hobbit extras now?” or “Sweetie, were you really bummed when Sean Astin beat you for the role of Samwise Gamgee in Lord of the Rings?,” it comes from a place of pure love.

Samwise Gamgee, or my husband?

And when I recently slipped a copy of Curly Girl into his bag, with the “Guys ‘n’ Curls” chapter carefully tape-flagged so he wouldn’t miss it, that came from a place of love, too.

Before

My husband has a head of thick golden-brown curls—lovely hair, but hair that will frizz up to three times its size in even the most arid of climates. He’s always managed to tame it with various products—usually whatever’s easy to grab at the drugstore—but within a few hours it’s back to puff-ball status, and thus subject to more ridicule from me (loving ridicule, mind you). Every few months he gets frustrated and chops it all off, which also seems like a shame—it just takes away his hair’s personality.

When I saw that Curly Girl, the book by curl guru Lorraine Massey of Devachan Salon, had a chapter just for men, I knew I had to pass it on. And being the good sport that he is, Kevin agreed to try some tips from the book, along with the DevaCare Low-Poo Cleanser. And HOT DANG, if his locks haven’t become totally gorgeous and manageable!

After (note, no cutting was done!)

Curly Guys, there is hope. You don’t have to buzz your curls off or spend hours primping to get them just right. Just a few small changes in your wash/dry process can help. Try these tips:

1. Wet: Step under the showerhead and let the water run through your curls. Resist the urge to start scrubbing your head; this disrupts your curls’ basic shape. If you’ve got long hair, cup it in your hands so the water flow doesn’t distort your curls’ intrinsic pattern. Wet your hair thoroughly.

2. Cleanse: Apply either a sulfate-free cleanser or a botanical conditioner along your fingertips the way you’d apply toothpaste to a toothbrush, and evenly distribute it to your other fingertips. Then place your fingertips directly on the scalp, and using firm circular motions, massage the product into the scalp to stimulate blood flow, remove dirt particles, and keep your scalp healthy and hydrated. If your hair is long, apply an extra dollop of conditioner to the hair near the nape of the neck, which tends to get knotted. Gently remove any knots with your fingers.

3. Rinse: If your hair tends to get frizzy, leave most of the cleanser or conditioner in by standing away from the shower flow and splashing just a few handfuls of water on your hair. This prevents all the cleanser/conditioner from being rinsed out and allows the hair to stay hydrated. (After a few days of rinsing your hair this way, you’ll get a sense of how much rinse water your hair requires in order for you to be pleased with the outcome.)

4. Scrunch: Turn off the shower, lean forward, and scrunch your hair gently upward to remove some of the water and cleanser or conditioner.

5. Dry: Many men dry their hair by holding one end of a towel in each hand and rubbing it harshly over their head. But the rough fibers of the towel combined with this kind of friction causes hair to frizz. Instead, shake your head once or twice or use an old cotton T-shirt to scrunch the hair a bit so it’s not dripping wet.

6. Style: Apply gel to your hands and scrunch it into your hair. How much gel you use depends on the length of your hair and how much hold you want (use more gel for more hold). Then let your curls air-dry so you don’t cause frizz. Once your hair is totally dry, either leave it as is for a wet, contained look, or scrunch your hair gently to break the gel cast that has formed while the hair was drying.

As Lorraine Massey says, “A frizz is just a curl waiting to come out.” And it doesn’t take much coaxing to make it happen! If my husband can go from Hobbit to Hottie by following these simple steps, any guy can.

And for the Curly Girls: How can going curly save you time and money? Read the hard facts here.

Well, my personal 28-day meditation challenge has come to a close, and yet it feels that something is just opening up. Has meditating turned me into a completely different person? No. Has all the stress in my life magically vanished? No. Have I reduced my risk for a heart attack? Yet to be determined!

But here’s what meditation has done for me: It has persuaded me to account for and appreciate small moments—moments that have indeed nourished me in ways I never expected. It has encouraged me to treat myself more kindly—to stop beating myself up over things I cannot control. Above all, it has reminded me to SLOW DOWN, to really take in the world and the people who inhabit it.

There’s a quote of Sharon’s from Week 2 that summed up not just the program’s concept of “mindfulness” for me, but of the program itself: “Mindfulness can allow us to experience fully the moment in front of us—what Thoreau calls ‘the bloom of the present’—and to wake up from the neutral so that we so we don’t miss the small, rich moments that add up to a dimensional life.” To me, living a dimensional life seems like the very definition of finding “real happiness.”

For anyone who’s  considered trying a meditation program but didn’t know how to go about it, Real Happiness is the perfect place to start.  It’s down-to-earth and accessible, beautifully written, and easy to follow. (It’s also just become a New York Times bestseller, so it looks like many out there agree!)

Here’s to waking up from the neutral and living a dimensional life, always.

Be sure to check out other participants’ experiences with the program here.

My previous Real Happiness posts:

Week 3

Week 2

Week 1

Taking the Challenge

Something clicked in my meditation practice this week. It happened not while I was sitting in a peaceful room or doing a lovely “walking meditation” in the park on one of those fleeting spring-like days last week… no, I felt something click as I was doing the most mundane of household chores: folding laundry.

Truly, is there more irritating a household task than folding laundry, particularly when you have a billion and one other things to do? Given my distaste for it and my tendency to get it over with as quickly as possible, it seemed the perfect task for an “everyday activity” meditation. Sharon Salzberg says that meditating while doing a routine task can be “a time of coming into the moment, paying attention to your actual experience, learning about yourself, deepening your enjoyment of simple pleasures, or perhaps seeing how you could approach a task more skillfully.”

So, as I folded towel upon towel, t-shirt upon t-shirt…  as I matched each pesky little sock with its mate, I made a conscious effort to focus carefully on every step of the process, to be mindful of each and every part of the  experience–the feel of the cotton, the smell of the fabric softener… the smooth clean lines of a folded towel and a neat stack of pajama pants. Before I knew it, I was actually enjoying the experience of folding laundry. I began to feel an overwhelming sense of peace, and for the entire rest of the evening, an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

Since that moment, I’ve been slowing down, keeping myself aware of the satisfaction of small tasks that I’d normally take for granted or even intentionally rush through: Making and drinking a cup of coffee.  Painting a room. Sweeping a floor.

As Sharon says,  “In an ordinary day we can be moving so fast that we lose touch with quieter moments that could nourish and sustain us.” I’m beginning to see what she means.

Click here to read a fascinating interview with Sharon Salzberg, author of Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation.

My previous Real Happiness posts:

Week 2

Week 1

Taking the Challenge

Whew. Week 2 really put the word CHALLENGE in “28-day Meditation Challenge.” Not only have I had a nasty cold all week, but I’m also in the process of moving.  Attempting to find a peaceful space in my maze of boxes and bubblewrap, and then trying to focus on congested breathing slightly reminscent of a chainsaw… yep, it’s been a challenge. Thus, I must confess that I didn’t follow the book’s program as closely as I should have this week—and I only got through one complete meditation session.

But! What a satisfying session it was. This time  I listened to the first track of Sharon Salzberg’s guided meditation CD that comes with the book—and let me just say, for anyone trying this program or any meditation program for the first time, I can’t recommend the CD highly enough! It’s a wonderful tool; it really helped me focus and made a huge difference in my session.

Truth be told, I was afraid the recording would be a bit… hokey? Hippie-dippie? I asked myself, do I really need this, anyway? I was preparing to cringe as I hit play, but I was so pleasantly surprised once it began. It’s straightforward, rational, and very calming. Sharon’s voice has a naturally soothing quality, and she seems to choose the exact right words to say and the right moments to say them. She leaves long quiet spaces for you as she coaches you through the meditation.

I see now, after this week’s session, how badly I’d needed the extra guidance. This time around I felt a greater awareness of myself, a sense of connection between my body and my mind that lasted well beyond that session. I still haven’t noticed any drastic changes in my day-to-day emotions or feelings of wellbeing, but for now, that “connected” feeling is pretty neat.

I’ll continue with the program this week, moving on to the next track on the CD, and I’ll report back next week about how it goes. In the meantime, check out blog posts from the numerous other (much more articulate!) people trying out the Real Happiness program….

My previous Real Happiness posts:

Week 1

Taking the Challenge