Songs You’ll Never Hear A Jewish Person Sing

“Wild Thing”

“When the Bullet Hits the Bone”

“I Love the Nightlife”

“I Can’t Stay Mad at You”

“One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer”

“Third-Rate Romance, Low-Rent Rendezvous”

“I Fought the Law and the Law Won”

“Sex Machine”

“Some Guys Have All the Luck”

(You will hear us sing any of the following, however: “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To,” “I’ve Gotta be Me,” and everyone’s favorite “I’ll Never Smile Again.”)

Shana Tova!

Don’t get me wrong: It was—and still is—wonderful to visit them! (They have a pool, and they always stock the pantry with Froot Loops—among other reasons.) Yes, hanging out with G-mom and Pop-pop was great, but the drive…ohh, the drive. Somehow my sisters and I, three otherwise very well-behaved girls who enjoyed each other’s company, were absolutely transformed upon entering the back seat. All civility flew out the window (onto the highway, no doubt) and suddenly none of us could stand to be touched or spoken to or even looked at by any of the others. Everything bugged us, from the inevitable heat to the meager snack offerings. And adding an enormous, smelly German Shepherd-mix who was prone to carsickness and heavy drooling only served to exacerbate the situation. If those three hours were horrible for us kids, I can only imagine how our parents felt.

Luckily we’ve long since outgrown those days of car-induced crankiness, and family trips are now quite pleasant. One summer the whole clan, including the dog, drove 12 hours to our new home in Tennessee, and although I wasn’t there for the ride (I was working as a counselor at a sleep-away camp, thinking I’d dodged a major bullet), I later heard that everyone made it through the journey unscathed.

Thinking back, it’s kind of funny: We were good kids, but the car made us bonkers! That’s why I wish we’d had a copy of All-American Car-i-oke, David Schiller’s answer to the sometime-trauma of a long road trip. Below is one of my favorite songs from the book, a reinterpretation of Harry “Haywire Mac” McClintock’s classic hobo ballad “The Big Rock Candy Mountains.” Pop in the CD or just break it down a cappella-style—whatever it takes to get everyone rockin’. A few verses of this fun tune and before you know it you’ll be on Long Island—or wherever your station wagon may take you. Happy trails!

THE BIG ROCK CANDY MOUNTAINS
Words and music by Harry McClintock, new lyrics by David Schiller.

Intro:
On a summer’s day in the month of May,
A third-grader come a-boarding,
Coasting along that lonesome road
To a place much more rewarding.
He said, “I’m headed for a land that’s far away,
Beside them crystal fountains—
So come with me
We’ll go and see
The Big Rock Candy Mountains.”

First verse:
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
You never change your socks,
And little streams of Mountain Dew
Come a-trickling down the rocks.
You’re stoked on all the banks and ramps,
And life is one big jam.
There’s a Slurpy lake with nachos, too,
You can paddle all around ‘em in a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

Second verse:
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains,
There’s a land that’s fair and bright,
Where the Gameboys grow on bushes
And you hang out every night;
Where little brothers stay out of your way
And little sisters too.
Oh, I’m bound to go
Where I can catch any show,
The alarm never rings
And my father never sings,
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

Third verse:
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
Classrooms are made of tin
And you can bust right out again
As soon as they put you in;
The teachers show up just once a week
To hand out nothing but A’s.
Oh, I’m going to stay
Where you sleep all day,
Where they jammed the jerk
Who invented homework
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

Fourth verse:
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
You can burp right after you eat,
And you never have to brush your teeth,
And forget about being neat;
You can throw your clothes all over the floor,
Eat candy in your bed.
Oh, that’s the life for me,
Completely parent-free,
Where your only job
Is to act like a slob,
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

Finale:
And so now my song is over,
I’m lacing up my Vans,
I’m pointing my board
To the open road
Where the bluebirds sing
And kids are king
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains!

This weekend SXSW, the music-film-interactive festival, kicks off in Austin, TX, and to celebrate we visit the studio of music maven Jessica Hopper, author of The Girls’ Guide to Rocking and freelance music and culture critic whose work appears in Chicago Reader, LA Weekly, SPIN, ANP, and Chicago Tribune–and here and here. Oh, and she’s also the music consultant for the public radio show, This American Life! Here, we ask her a few questions, speed round style.

Recent book you loved/learned from

The Impressionists. I was hungry for each new chapter and wowed as the story unfolded. And/or Anthony Bourdain’s Medium Raw, for the Top Chef gossip.

Favorite bookstore

Myopic Books, a sprawling 4 floors of affordable used to get lost in, here in Chicago. I park on the couch between gardening, essays and cookbooks–the intersection of my interests.

Hidden talent:
I can draw.

Bookmark, dog-ear, or virtuality?

Dog-ear.

Book you are most ashamed never to have read

The bible. Started, never finished.

Most frequent form of writerly procrastination

Oh, there is finer point I can put on it beyond “puttering”.

Favorite childhood book

Harriet The Spy.

Alternate ambition (i.e. If you weren’t a writer, you’d be…)

A farmer.

Your perfect meal (on tour or at home)

Flamkuchen pizza and a beet salad.

Big dream

Have three more kids, write three more books, have a house in a quiet place with a giant garden and a big dumb Burmese Mountain dog big enough for my children to ride, a la the Clifford books.

Super power of choice
A peace laser that I can shoot from my hand, that makes peace.

Book tour or band tour?

Book tour with a band. You can have it both ways.

Favorite name for future chart-topping girl band

Peace Laser.

What Workman book would you like to receive as compensation for your involvement?

Birthday Monsters, it’s the only Boynton book we do not have!

—

See Jessica’s studio above, but to get a sense of what really goes on behind the scenes, we’ve been told that this is a pretty accurate representation of general day-to-day operations:

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Girls’ Guide to Rocking // Adventure from Alan Del Rio Ortiz on Vimeo.

Jessica Hopper is the author of The Girls’ Guide to Rocking.

Uh-uhm. La-la-la-la-la-laa-laaaa!

Excuse me. I was just warming up my vocal chords for Read Across America. Why the vocal warm-up? Well, this year I’ve decided to interpret the day literally and make my own book selection: All-American Car-i-oke. Yes, it’s karaoke for the car and it’s the perfect road trip idea for the musically inclined. Instead of playing the license plate game for the millionth time, or idly listening to the radio while staring into space, why not sing along to your favorite songs?

Here’s how it works: Pop in the CD, select your favorite jam, and sing your heart out! You’re probably wondering about the reading part. Well, not only does the book contain lyrics for each song, it’s packed with fun facts, trivia, activities, and games. You should also be prepared to rock out with car-appropriate dance moves, conveniently illustrated and easy to follow.

So, in celebration of this day of reading awareness, I just might gather up some karaoke-loving friends, hop in a car, and read (and sing!) while traveling (a little bit) across America.*

—Krestyna, a children’s book editor who loves a good theme, even if it means interpreting an event incorrectly creatively.

*Confession: I don’t actually have a car. A more likely scenario: I gather up some karaoke-loving friends, hop on my couch, and read (and sing!) while sitting in my apartment. It counts so long as one of us keeps asking if we’re there yet, right?

Watching him with the kids is remarkable—just watch their faces as the oops turns to art.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC6fF5IJjjU

Watch below for his entire “concert” with the kids!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0A3QhGVyDs

www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9mKGwfruHo

At 10am last Saturday I arrived at Books of Wonder, a nearly unrivaled children’s bookstore in New York to find my Workman colleagues already hard at work. The Main Event would take place from 12-2pm, and would be kicked off with live performances of songs from Boynton musical classics Philadelphia Chickens and Blue Moo. At 10 the stage was still being assembled, the lighting tweaked and the mics sound-checked. My cohorts and I stuffed goody bags for the kids while the marvelous Books of Wonder staff ran around making sure they were ready for the impending crowd.

By 11:30 a few curious onlookers had started to make their way to the back of the store to claim a prime spot near the stage. The stacks of Boynton titles started to slowly disappear, the plush chickens, cows, ducks, and aardvarks were tucked one by one under an arm or into stroller for purchase, and the craft table where I was stationed drew the attention of young people barely tall enough to see over the top. We were all surrounded by a gallery of Boynton art, including an entire wall of prints from Amazing Cows!, portraits of some very serious farm animals, and rather suspect assembly of eavesdropping chickens.

We were welcomed at noon by Peter, our host and Books of Wonder’s proprietor, and by Sandra, who was lovely and welcoming. They introduced the musical acts, which began with a group of slick dudes signing “Be Like a Duck”, a fan fave from Philadelphia Chickens. They were followed by Sandy’s daughter Caitlin performing her perennial hit “Faraway Cookie”, another tune from the Philly Chickens album. The lovely Sparklets closed the set to an enthusiastic crowd with their hit “Blue Moo” from the book and album of the same name.

Sandy then took her place at the signing table and awaited the hoards of fans young and old. We manned the craft station for the duration of the event, handing out paper templates for “udderflys” (yup, cows with butterfly wings) and “cowlidescopes”, all the while humming “Blue Moo” and dancing with varying degrees of talent.

By 2:30 Sandy had met with each and every audience member and had signed loads of Amazing Cows! for some very happy readers. We sent the last of the udderflys sailing home, as families went off to shop for holiday gifts and Christmas trees. It was a lighthearted day filled with great music, good company, and a lot of cows. I couldn’t think of a better way to kick off the holiday season. Many thanks to Sandra Boynton and her entourage for making such a spectacular appearance!

If you haven’t bought your copy of Amazing Cows! yet, do so without delay. I guarantee that when your kids turn 28, they will still remember every word.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r523meU_lw

Not in NYC? Tune in here to watch Sandra Boynton and Michael Ford present a 15 minute stage show of three songs from their bestselling gold-certified book/CD sets Philadelphia Chickens and Blue Moo.

Click here at noon on Saturday to watch the show!

Thank you to the cows and chickens out there who are also bringing Sandra Boynton and Amazing Cows! to their world:

Motherhood Later
Confessions from Household six
Imagination-Cafe Blog
Multi-testing Mommy
MommyBlogExpert
Dad of Divas
Little Shindigs
Results Not Typical Girl
The Working Writer’s Coach
The Fashionable Bambino
Mommy Young at Home
Reviewed by Mom
NoMomSense

To download “Your Personal Penguin” visit Workman.com/boynton

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TE_hWCK1uTA