What do Rosh Hashanah and karaoke have in common? Absolutely nothing, until now. To the chagrin of my friends and co-workers, I recently began studying the ancient and most wondrous art of karaoke. (I’m currently practicing a version of “Sitting On The Dock of The Bay” that will put both Otis Redding and that insanely talented dude at my local karaoke bar to shame.) So what will I be doing this Rosh Hashanah Eve? You guessed it, hitting the microphone with my Jewish (and karaoke loving) friends. I encourage you and yours to do the same. Just don’t expect any of the chosen people to sing the following songs. According to Molly Katz, author of Jewish as a Second Language, these tunes are strictly off limits for Semites:

Songs You’ll Never Hear A Jewish Person Sing

“Wild Thing”

“When the Bullet Hits the Bone”

“I Love the Nightlife”

“I Can’t Stay Mad at You”

“One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer”

“Third-Rate Romance, Low-Rent Rendezvous”

“I Fought the Law and the Law Won”

“Sex Machine”

“Some Guys Have All the Luck”

(You will hear us sing any of the following, however: “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To,” “I’ve Gotta be Me,” and everyone’s favorite “I’ll Never Smile Again.”)

Shana Tova!

With our turkey craving satisfied and Christmas less than twenty days away, the holiday season is officially upon us. And of course we are smack dab in the middle of the Festival of Lights, Hanukkah. Most likely, there are some gentle gentiles out there who’ve been invited to their first Hanukkah party and are uncertain about what to expect. For all those first-timers, Molly Katz’s Jewish as a Second Language, a humorous field guide to Jewish culture, offers some tips for navigating the waters.

Jewish Guest Behavior

When visiting your new relatives and friends, you will encounter situations that seem familiar. Your impulse will be to handle them in the familiar way. Do not make this mistake.

Heed these lessons:

Situation

You’re a dinner guest. You’ve brought a huge tin of anchovies for a gift (you have a relative in the restaurant supply business).

Old Behavior. You present the gift, eat, and leave.

New Behavior. Before dinner, mention often that you’re bringing something great. When you arrive, insist that the hostess serve the anchovies immediately. Ask if she has capers. Suggest she roll each anchovy around one. Watch while she does it. She might miss some.

Direct the other guests’ attention to the anchovies. Don’t let them get distracted by the other hors d’oeuvres. During the meal, remind everyone a few times how good the anchovies were. When you leave, ask the hostess if she really enjoyed them. Hint that you might bring something even better next time.

Situation

(Women Only)

You’re at a new relative’s holiday dinner. Nearly everyone has finished eating. You’d like to help clear.

Old Behavior. You wait till the last person is done, then carry plates to the kitchen. Everyone moves to the living room. Later, before leaving, you offer to help wash. The hostess declines.

New Behavior. About now the hostess will rise and reach for the plates of those who are finished. Stand next to her and help as she scrapes food onto one plate and stacks the others. Keep glancing at those still eating to see if they’re done yet. Only when all dishes are scraped, stacked, and organized can you bring them to the kitchen.

The men, and any women who don’t care about their reputations, will retire to the family room for TV and conversation about what’s on the TV. The real women will bulldoze the kitchen, washing, wiping, and wrapping leftover food to the tune of such favorites as “It’s a Crime to Throw This Out,” “Let the Glasses Air-Dry—It’s More Sanitary,” and “Don’t You Have a Tupperware Arugula Container?”

Situation

You’re a first-time guest in someone’s home, and you’re sniffling. It must be your cat allergy.

Old Behavior. You take an antihistamine and have fun anyway.

New Behavior. Ask accusingly if they have a cat. Proclaim that you’re violently allergic. When they offer to put the cat in another room, say it’s too late. Ask what medications they have. Reject them all. Describe the details of your allergy. Use up a box or two of tissues. When the topic shifts, sneeze louder.

Just in time for the high holidays season, Molly Katz, author of Jewish as a Second Language, shares a CliffsNotes-style rundown of Rosh Hashanah customs and the symbolism (and humor) behind them.

Click here to read an excerpt from Jewish as a Second Language.

Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year, which begins this year at sundown on September 8. For Jews it is the symbolic anniversary of the creation of the world–and the actual anniversary of having our celebration critiqued annually by an expert panel of relatives.

The celebration includes:

1. The sounding of the Shofar. This is the ceremonial ram’s horn that looks like the curled tentacle of a hungry octopus. It dates from ancient times, when making loud noises on the New Year was thought to scare off demons. Hence our Jewish habit of making loud noises in all situations.

Four specific blasts must be made, and in some homes 100 blasts of the horn are traditional. This insures a good year, and also excellent business for all the pulmonologists in our family.

The notes of the horn represent the sound of a King’s coronation, and the wailing of a Jewish heart. (Actually, many sounds may be compared to the wailing of a Jewish heart, such as a hedge trimmer.)

2. The sacred elements of the festive meal. A round challah bread is served, which symbolizes completion, as well as the waistlines of many of the guests. We eat the bread not with butter but with honey and apples; this represents a sweet New Year and serves the dual purpose of honoring our equally traditional lactose intolerance.

On the second night of Rosh Hashanah, we eat a “new fruit”–a fruit that has recently come into season but that we have not yet had the opportunity to eat. When we eat this new fruit, we say a special blessing thanking God for keeping us alive until this season (and warning Him not to let the fruit keep us up all night with the runs).

3. Many families follow the custom called Tashlich (casting off), in which they walk to flowing water, say a prayer, and symbolically throw their sins into the stream. Part of this custom is to warn one another not to accidentally cast our tennis bracelets into the flowing water, lest there follow an earsplitting live demonstration of the wailing of a Jewish heart.

If you’d like to participate in our celebration of the New Year, hint around to the Jews you know for an invitation. Remember that Jewish hints have all the delicacy of a cinderblock. So instead of saying, “I’m intrigued by your New Year customs,” try, “My doctor just put me on Prozac because I wasn’t invited to any Jewish New Year events.”

Enjoy, and Shana Tova (which means “good year,” and is also the name of the Hebrew Goddess of Overcooked Chicken).

The revised edition Jewish as a Second Language is a humorous field guide to Jewish language and culture for both insiders and those learning the ropes of Jewish communication.  Read below for the author’s story that inspired the book–explaining to her non-Jewish husband that her mother stating “I’ll take a cab from the doctor,” couldn’t be taken at face value.