National Coming Out Day is observed around the world every year on October 11 (except in the UK, where it’s October 12). The holiday is a special day for the recognition and discussion of LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) life and rights. Many people also embrace the day as an occasion to “come out,” or open up about their sexual orientation or gender identity, to their friends and family.

Coming Out Day is a happy occasion, but it can also bring up some questions—not just about coming out, but about LGBT issues in general. Fortunately we’re able to turn to resident gay manners expert Steven Petrow, author of Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners, for some tips on navigating the ever-changing waters of LGBT life.

Below is a primer on coming out from the Coming Out chapter in Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners (also available as a short e-book, for sale through many online retailers). Arm yourself with these tips from a pro, plus confidence and a positive attitude—and make this the best National Coming Out Day yet.

Taking the First Steps
Coming out is not about “flaunting” anything; it’s about telling people something very important about who you are. For every social butterfly who comes out on Facebook by updating her status and every guy who has an in-depth coming-out conversation with his parents while wearing a T-shirt that says “I’m queer! Get used to it,” there are plenty of people who prefer to make their sexual orientation or gender identity known in quieter, less assertive ways. No approach is better than another; in fact, how you come out is among the most personal decisions you’ll ever make, and you may actually deploy different strategies at different times in your life or with different people.

Whom to Tell First
Most people come out first to a close friend, often someone who is LGBT. Whether you spill the beans in one huge confessional or just mention your sexuality or gender identity in passing, treat whomever you tell with the same respect and consideration you’ll be expecting in return. It’s important that you trust this confidante, whether he’s your best friend, a teacher, a work colleague, a professional counselor, or someone in your family. A recent poll on my website showed that nearly half of the respondents first came out to an LGBT friend, while a quarter started with a straight friend. Only one in eight told a family member first.

These four steps can be helpful:

1. Make a plan: Ask your confidante to go out for coffee, take a quiet walk, or meet somewhere you will have privacy and feel comfortable. If there’s any chance at all that the person might have a hostile or violent response, take that into consideration when you choose where to go. Explain beforehand that you have something personal you’d like to discuss, but don’t make it sound too serious. Coming out is not like revealing a serious disease, an intractable problem, or a crime (by the way, you can “acknowledge” your homosexuality but don’t “admit” it—”admitting” is something you do when a wrongdoing is involved, and there’s nothing at all the matter with your acknowledging who you really are).
2. Consider all possible reactions: How your friend responds isn’t really up to you—although how you set up the conversation can help increase the likelihood of a favorable reaction. Usually, respect and trust beget respect and trust. Expect the best: acceptance, a warm embrace, words of support, as well as love and continued friendship. But prepare for the worst: rejection, anger, even the loss of the relationship. You may be equally surprised to find a friend had no idea, or to hear him say, “Oh really? That’s no big deal,” or, “I knew it all along.” Each time you come out, you will have a better sense of how to prepare for the next time.
3. Do your research: Although it’s not your job to educate people about what being gay or transgender means, some people you come out to may have questions, and knowing the answers can help you feel more confident about how you respond. “No, it’s not a choice,” you might need to say if asked why you are gay. “When did you choose to be straight” if further pressed, or, “Mom, I do hope you’ll be a grandparent one day. There are lots of ways for LGBT people to have kids.” If you can’t find what you’re looking for online, contact a group like PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) or GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network). Hold on to the phone number or URL in case you end up wanting to share it with the person you’re coming out to. (For more information, visit www.gaymanners.com.)
4. Keep it simple: You might start off with, “We’ve known each other for a very long time and there’s something personal about me that I’d like you to know.” Or, “I want you to know that I’m a lesbian.” Or even just, “I have a girlfriend.” No need to spill your guts or make a tortured declaration. The more confident and together you sound, the more likely you’ll get a positive response.

—————————————————————————————————————-

Keep up with Steven online! Visit GayManners.com to read the latest news and ask Steven your own LGBT etiquette questions. You can follow him on Twitter at @gaymanners, where all week he’s tweeting tips for coming out, what to say when a friend comes out to you, and more.

This weekend, champagne corks popped and wedding bells chimed—around the world, to be sure, but they were especially loud here in the state of New York, where the Marriage Equality Act officially went into effect and same-sex marriage became legal. Hundreds of couples flocked to their local marriage bureaus to tie the knot in front of family, friends, and the whole world.

Emily and Nathan share the love.

Some of us Workmanites were lucky enough to be right in the middle of the action on Sunday, when we headed down to the City Clerk’s Office in Manhattan and joined in the festivities. Last week we wrapped up copies of Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners in true wedding-gift style. Then on Sunday morning we donned our tissue-paper boutonnieres and met up outside the government building to greet the revelers.

What we found was spectacular! There was a real spirit of celebration and camaraderie in the air as people lined the sidewalks to cheer the happy couples emerging from the City Clerk’s Office with marriage licenses in tow. People hugged and took lots of pictures, and there was music coming from everywhere. We even ran into NY State Senator Tom Duane, the lead sponsor of same-sex legislation in New York. He was clearly proud to be there amongst the people for whose rights he had been fighting for so long—especially because the law has a direct effect on his own life: Joked his partner Louis Webre, “We had an 18-and-a-half-year engagement!”

Senator Tom Duane and his partner Louis Webre.

Couples, family, and friends wait outside the Marriage Bureau.

One of my personal favorite parts of the day was when two women got married under a rainbow-colored chuppah. After they were officially married by the state, they came out to the park and were married by a rabbi. Then much singing and dancing ensued, and their kids got piggy-backed all over the place. I had never been to a Jewish wedding before, and now I can say that not only have I been to one, but that the ceremony was performed on the streets of New York!

Maggie gets REALLY into the celebrations. (No, she didn't actually get married.)

So fun was had by all, as they say, not least by those who got married. We all had a great time congratulating the newlyweds and handing out wedding gifts—such a great time, in fact, that as you read this blog post, we’re there doing it all over again! Feel free to stop by and say hello this Monday morning, and grab a copy of Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners while you’re at it. Plus check back later for more photos and maybe even some video of the happy scene here in Manhattan.

The gang, with books.

AND! If all this talk of marriage has you worrying about your own love life, be sure to watch Steven Petrow’s latest video on 365Gay.com, where he tells us once and for all if it’s really that big of a deal to lie on your online dating profile (Hint: Yes!).

As you’re probably aware, last month New York state passed the Marriage Equality Act, legalizing same-sex marriage for the entire state! The law goes into effect this Sunday July 24, when thousands of New York couples will flock to their local city marriage bureaus and make their unions official. In fact, so many people are expected to turn up at the City Clerk’s Office here in NYC that the city has set the cap at 764 marriages (divided amongst the five boroughs). Couples—gay and straight—who want to get married on this special Sunday had until today at noon to enter their names in a lottery, and the lucky chosen ones will be notified on Friday afternoon. Can you imagine planning a wedding in just 48 hours?! It’ll be stressful but undoubtedly worth it, especially for those people who have waited years to see their dream become a reality.

We here at Workman are so excited about this weekend’s nuptials that we’ve decided to share a little wedding gift with the happy couples. On Sunday and Monday, a team of intrepid assistants and interns (myself included) will take up posts outside the City Clerk’s Office in Manhattan and hand out copies of Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners—not just to the brides and grooms, but to their friends and family, gay and otherwise, who could likely benefit from a little guidance on this special day and at gay weddings in the future.

Liz adds some wedding flair: a curly ribbon!

After all, “traditional” weddings are steeped in old rituals, but how does the game change when there are two brides or two grooms? Who pays for the rings? How do you introduce two men who are married—as partners? as husbands? What happens to the conventional mother-of-the-bride role when there are two brides, each with her own (potentially domineering) mother? It’s a new and exciting world out there, but it also leaves a lot of questions, all of which are answered in Steven Petrow’s definitive guide to LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender) life.

Maggie lends Josh a helping finger.

Will you be goin’ to the chapel/government building this weekend to get your marriage on, or even just to enjoy the festivities? Let us know in the comments! And if you’re in Manhattan, be sure to come say hey—we’ll be the ones snapping pics and jumping for joy (oh, and handing out copies of the book).

Nothing says "wedding" like BOOKS.

Want to know more? Check out this radio interview with Steven Petrow on The Brian Lehrer Show (click the link or just stream the interview below), where Steven not only covers the logistics of this weekend’s historic wedding event, but answers lots of caller questions about other aspects of modern life for LGBT folks and the people who love them.

The lottery to get married this weekend in New York City may be closed, but Sunday’s weddings are just the first of many more to come!

(c) Bryan Regan

Special guest blog post from Steven Petrow, author of Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners

If you and your partner are planning to make a beeline to get married in City Hall now that New York has become the sixth state to allow same-sex marriage, you’ll likely find that your first thoughts after deciding to get hitched center on logistics, which is to say wedding etiquette. You’ll realize that you’re now entering unmapped territory for gays and lesbians, since many of the “rules” for same-sex weddings have yet to be determined.

Not surprisingly, there are gay couples who find that old-school wedding traditions serve them remarkably well in their ceremonies and celebrations: formal invitations, engagement parties, gift registries, and frothy white dresses alongside well-tailored black tuxedos. (“We’ll take two, please!)

For many in our community, a very strong spirit of invention is at play as we create new roles and rites, not only for ourselves, but for all those in attendance. The good news is that it’s up to you and your sweetheart—or  fiancé(e), if you prefer—to make these choices, which will no doubt become the foundation of LGBT wedding traditions to come.

With that in mind, here are just a few things we all need to know about same-sex weddings. (After all, if you’re straight, your invitation may soon be on its way.)

Q: Do gay people get engaged?

A: Yes; some of us even get down on bended knee, present a ring, and ask “Will you marry me?” That is, of course, after finding a gay-friendly jeweler who doesn’t keep asking about your opposite-sex fiancé.

Q: What do we call each other?

A: It’s easy for a married straight couple—husband, wife, and spouse cover all the options. Not so easy—or fast—for committed gay couples, who may use partner, spouse, significant other, lover, and (now) husband or wife. Use what feels right—just be sure to let others know how to refer to you.

Q: Where do we sign up?

A: Like every other couple of New York State, you must apply for a marriage license to any town or city clerk, pay your $40, and wait 24 hours. It’s that easy—finally.

Should bride and bride both wear white? And which one gets to walk down the aisle?! Who should pay, and how should we word the invitation?

Join Steven Petrow for a TweetChat Q&A Thursday, 6/30 at 2 p.m.!  He’ll be answering even more wedding questions and addressing everyday LGBT etiquette issues. To participate:

1. Join Twitter (if you haven’t already)
2. Follow @gaymanners and @WorkmanPub
3. Post your questions (140 characters or less) and include the hashtag, #gaymanners
4. If you like, use Tweet Chat, a site that simplifies by feeding you only tweets from this chat

See you there!

Today marks the first day of national Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month (sometimes Gay Pride Month, or even just Pride, for short), an annual thirty-day celebration of the LGBT community. Every year, millions of people across the world look back on the progress forged by their ancestors—from the Stonewall Riots, which sparked the modern LGBT civil rights movement in 1969, to the same-sex marriages of today—and look forward to the many more milestones that are yet to come. Of course the most visible part of the festivities is the Pride Parade, which takes place in cities the world over and always features loud music, spectacular costumes, and millions of happy LGBT people and allies. All in all, it’s an occasion that’s steeped not only in history, but in good times and—you guessed it—pride.

Just in time for LGBT Pride Month, we’re pleased to present The Real-World Guide to Coming Out—a short e-book by Steven Petrow that details the ins and (ha) outs of coming out of the proverbial closet. Whether you’re unsure of whom to tell first or can hardly wait to declare yourself in a Facebook post, this guide excerpted from Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners (in stores today!) has got it covered. Check it out below or download the e-book for free for a limited time!

Happy Pride!